HELP! I NEED TO “FIX” MY CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR
It can feel overwhelming when parents feel that they are continuously fighting with their child. Some even wish that they could simply have one conversation that did not end up in arguing or yelling. If this feels somewhat familiar, you are not alone.
Did you know that most childhood and teen behaviours don't need to be fixed, only understood? This blog discusses tips to help parents evaluate where they are right now in building parenting success story. All parents, at some point in their parenting journey, struggle to communicate with their children. That is in part because of the child’s tug for freedom and the parents’ pull for control and power. All of that pulling and tugging can lead to a battle of wills where disaster may become unavoidable.
Raising a child is no simple endeavour. A child will press, with increasing effort, for the freedom to independently choose their actions. This is actually a good thing even if it brings about unique challenges. Challenges may surface from the newborn stage to the teen years and even into adulthood. If your child shares your worldview and values, parenting throughout these years could be a cakewalk. However, children are unique and complex. Sometimes, they are even very different from their parents but they mostly mean well and are still developing. That is why it is crucial for parents to pick battles wisely.
PRELUDE
If my child challenges my authority, do I have a difficult child? Being a parent to a child who challenges you can seem like an endless tug of war, leaving you feeling more stressed and stretched. But fret not. You can learn to communicate with your child and keep your sanity at the same time.
The first step in picking your battles is understanding how and when to pick them. There are scenarios where you must stand your ground for the safety of your child and others around. On the other hand, there are scenarios that will not require parental intervention. To help you navigate situational challenges, consider asking yourself these questions.
Your answers to the questions will even help to guide your approach and inform the solution you seek. This will also help you identify effective ways to resolve the problem without causing further frustration. If you have identified that the challenge your child is facing requires immediate or delayed intervention, the next step is to guide their behaviours and choices.
WHY PICKING BATTLES IS ESSENTIAL?
When faced with a tantrum, a rejection, a session of whining, or any challenging behaviour, we may feel forced to deal with it at that moment. As adults, in the heat of the moment, we may want to show that we are the stronger person in this scenario and quickly put an end to the disruptive behaviour. We may even want to show our children who is the boss and force them to play by our rules. At times, parents face challenging internal dialogue. Asking the question "But isn’t that our job to make our child behave no matter what they are facing?" What’s more, we may find ourselves taking the approach of “I won’t let them get away with that behaviour”. After all, isn’t that what parenting is about? To better understand how to answer these challenging internal conflict questions, we will need to clarify the role of a parent within the Stronger Solutions framework.
As parents, we lay the foundation so that our children can have the best start in life. Bringing mindfulness to our parenting approach can also aid in helping us develop a lasting relationship throughout our lifetime. Parents are sources of strengths and role models. Remember, as parents, we are the adults. An emotional tug of war for control might seem necessary. But if we tug, we are reinforcing the idea for our child to tug back. This could increase the likelihood of an emotionally stress-induced tug of war. Although the adult at the one end has strength in their favour, your child has the heart to keep pressing for their freedom of expression. Emotional exhaustion is not too far behind for both the child and the parent.
Remember, we are the judge and the jury. Being all those things is not simple and can create an internal struggle which is further amplified by societal expectations. As parents, it's essential for us to assess whether our child's actions warrant our response. Even, when the pressure of the situation we are facing with our child raises out of control, we must first take control of ourselves so that our response and course of action is not fueled by negative emotions. This also gives us clarity to choose a course of action that centers the experience of our children.
BATTLE IDENTIFIED & CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! NOW WHAT?
Now that you have identified a situation requiring parental intervention, you now have a decision process ahead of you about how to address the challenging situation.
First, keep in mind, a child has only had just a short time to practice actions and life skills needed to skillfully handle specific challenges in a variety of scenarios. With this in mind, let’s start with a mindfulness technique for the parent – breathing exercises.
Take a deep breath
Hold for 5 counts
Exhale
Repeat if needed.
Good Job! Now, let’s create optimal outcome scenarios. Optimal outcomes are outcomes that will benefit the parent-child relationship while providing an experience that the child can draw from in the future.
Start by taking a quick mental picture of what the result should look like and hold on to that guiding thought. Create 2 or more possible solutions that recognize your child’s strength and your expertise. Next, there may be resources that are available that you can test the scenarios against. Resources include family, friends, parenting forums, parent coach, therapist, etc. Use your resources to help you evaluate the possible solutions that could provide an optimal outcome. Choose the solution that is most suitable, considers your child’s strengths and your expertise. If possible, include additional insights gleaned from your resources. This approach may not be new to you as you may have gotten here because you were asking questions and checking if an approach is a suitable response. If you miss a step, remember that parenting is a daily commitment to practice healthy approaches. Parenting is not perfection. Parenting is not a multiple choice test. Parenting is relationship - keep practicing.
WHEN A CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR IS NOT JUST A BEHAVIOUR
A behaviour may require additional support beyond your capacity as a parent. If you are concerned, have a conversation with your child's doctor to get further insight into your child's behaviour. A doctor can help discern whether certain behaviours are developmental, physical, or age appropriate. They are trained to recognize the signs of underlying issues and can help guide parents in the right direction. It's common for children, depending on their age, to struggle with articulating the underlying reasons for their challenges. For instance, a young child may exhibit difficulty regulating emotions in a specific area, while a teenager might appear more withdrawn and demotivated.
The needs of your child can change rapidly so write down the good actions, the work in progress actions, and challenging behaviours. Be sure to document any physical concerns too. Various factors, such as neurodevelopmental conditions, autoimmune issues, or feeling nervous can contribute to these challenges. When visiting the doctor, come prepared with questions. Here are a few questions to get you started.
It may also be important to discuss any cultural, language, familial, and societal norms that may influence your child's presentation or your understanding of your child’s presentation. Discussing these factors during the appointment can assist the doctor in understanding your perspective and interpreting your child's behaviour more effectively.
Following a consultation with the doctor, you might find that further information is required or your doctor may recommend additional resources to aid your journey for support. By consulting with a doctor or any other medical professional, parents can pave the path towards a healthier future for their children.
TIPS FOR SUCCESS
It is a parent’s delight to encourage positive behaviour and see progress. However, there is absolutely no need to micromanage every situation. Ideally, use a conversational tone to help your child learn how to independently improve their behaviour. As your child grows and learns, they will naturally make mistakes and experience success along the way.
Do not think that it is strange to include your child in decisions on how to improve behaviours. Ask your child what they think about the situation. You might be impressed with the response you get. If it is their behaviour that is in question, you could say, “I don’t like your behaviour right now. How do you think I must handle it?”
A positive behaviour engagement approach is one parenting tool that Stronger Solutions practices that concentrate on kindness, problem-solving skills, and encouragement.
Encourage your child’s inner desire to independently practice specific actions acceptable and appropriate for a given situation by letting go of perfection. It is important to recognize that children are more enthusiastic to try again even after facing failure when parents celebrate their child’s wins.
A child’s enthusiasm to try again is increased when parents focus on the individual progressive steps made by the child. When looking at a child’s mistakes, no matter how small or big the mistakes are, do not make it your sole job to focus on correcting bad behaviour. This is a never-ending task and will be overwhelming for the parent and child.
Look for the specific areas of your child’s action where you saw progress and celebrate those improvements. This further increases the likelihood that a child’s behaviour would be acceptable and appropriate for similar situations in the future.
Put your chosen approach into easy-to-follow steps that your child can effortlessly access, remember and practice whenever needed. If your child forgets, a quick and cordial reminder is all that is needed and nothing else. This will also work for teens!
ENCOURAGEMENT FOR THE ROAD
At Stronger Solutions, we believe that children want to be good at learning new skills and solving problems independently. If your child knows you are there to coach and not boss, there is a good chance that they will be more apt to seek your help.
Parenting is so much more than a job. As parents, we have the privilege of being present for our children in so many ways. As your child grows from their newborn stage to adulthood, their feelings towards you fluctuate. It is tough to perceive that your child, who once believed you were the center of the universe, could stare at you in frustration for invading their privacy.
Children go through many changes, including how they choose their actions, and this can be challenging to observe. Do not fight the quirkiness of growing up. Go ahead and allow your child to grow up enjoying their childhood. It is okay to sometimes stand on the sidelines and admire the quirkiness of growing up.
Oftentimes, change comes so fast, and you don’t want to miss the transformation from childhood to adulthood. As a parent, you can look upon your child’s growth with delight and realize that your child is growing up and practicing to be an independent person, not to mention you have a front-row seat to watch that change happen!
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REFERENCES
Silva SA, Silva SU, Ronca DB, Gonçalves VSS, Dutra ES, et al. (2020) Common mental disorders prevalence in adolescents: A systematic review and meta-analyses. PLOS ONE 15(4): e0232007.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0232007
Zosh, J. M., Hopkins, E. J., Jensen, H., Liu, C., Neale, D., Hirsh-Pasek, K., Solis, S. L., & Whitebread, D. (2017). Learning through play: A review of the evidence (white paper). The LEGO Foundation, DK.
https://cms.learningthroughplay.com/media/wmtlmbe0/learning-through-play_web.pdf
Warrilow, A., & Morton, M. (2015). Autoimmune disorders in child psychiatry: keeping up with the field. BJPsych Advances, 21(6), 367–376. doi:10.1192/apt.bp.115.014472
https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/bjpsych-advances/article/autoimmune-disorders-in-child-psychiatry-keeping-up-with-the-field/BD5598D42BB0CB0C2461444A86CA0732#article
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Created: 2022-04-29
Modified 2024-03-23